Shift to googling about “challenging” kids and most of the advice is the same as above, only with added emphasis. The message is clear- if your child is challenging, you need to be more consistent, swifter, perhaps adding more limits and more rewards.

There are several flawed assumption inherent in most of this advice. One such assumption is that if a child is explosive, having a hard time coping, that his parents aren’t working hard enough- perhaps they are inconsistent, confused or just plain lazy. Help the parents be clearer in their consequences and expectations and the child’s behavior will improve.

Another flawed assumption is that if something isn’t working, (rewards, consequences, increased limits) adding more of the same will help the situation. If rewards aren’t working, perhaps they need to be more accessible, more immediate, or more enticing. The consequences might be more effective if they were more immediate, more consistent, perhaps even harsher.

The missing piece of all these discipline systems is skill. None of them assess whether or not the children actually possess the skills they need to meet the expectations set before them. None of these reward charts actually teach problem-solving skills, emotional regulation or communication, so while they are possibly effective in the short-term, they are woefully lacking in the long term.

Ross Greene has been making these points in his books for a while now. His book, The Explosive Child opens the door to teaching chronically frustrated kids problem-solving skills, and introduces the essential underpinning of Collaborative Problem Solving, the premise that children do well if they can.

To learn more, you can listen to our Parenting for Humanity podcast either on itunes or at blogtalkradio. During last week’s podcast, we explored the ideas in Greene’s earlier books and laid the groundwork for our visit with Ross Greene about his newest book, Lost at School coming up on October 29!

If you’re in Bloomington, you can come to a workshop sponsored by St. Mark’s Nursery School on Monday, October 27 at 7:00 that introduces this empowering paradigm shift. If you’d rather experience it online, Lisa and Amy are conducting a free teleconference on Friday, October 24. Email Parentingforhumanity at gmail dot com to register, or find us on twitter and send us a message.

I’m tempted to think that because we’re homeschooling it’s easier for us to stay close, but the truth is, even when we’re all home all day, we can be very disconnected and chaotic. It’s becoming apparent that in order to build strong family bridges, we have to be deliberate. One of my favorite resources for increasing family bonds is the book, Hold on to your kids by Neufeld and Mate. After reading it I became more willing to take the time to be present with my kids several times a day- whether or not it fits my agenda. Some days we do it more than others. Here are a few way we’ve found to get it done.

Sit: Start off the day with a snuggle on the couch- either reading a favorite book or just sharing plans for the day. Reconnect after a long day by sitting together on the couch after work, before starting dinner or running off to do homework.

Eat: Family dinner is a basic element of family togetherness. You can add to the ritual reserving a special candle that only gets lit if everyone in the family is sitting together. This is a time that parents can model communication skills including respectful debate and listening.

Sleep: There are days that the only quiet time I really get with my older son is cuddled up waiting for sleep to come. I get to hear his ambitious plans, bitter defeats and random theories on evolution and aliens. Sleep comes easier for all of us when I let go of a “fall asleep right now” agenda and simply enjoy those twilight moments together. There will come a time when he falls asleep long after I’ve gone to bed and I’ll lose those snippets of time.

Play: When the schedule gets to be too much, take a step back. Cancel everything and play monopoly, Mario Kart, read a book or just hang out together. Drop the expectations of everything other than enjoying each others’ company.

Families can provide a safe place to retreat from the chaos of the world- when the kids are teenagers you’ll want them to turn to home to find that peace (even if Mario Kart isn’t your idea of peace) and you will have laid the foundation already.

The basic challenge is to translate something simple into Yodish. This exercise teaches sentence structure and is actually fun, as opposed to standing at the chalkboard guessing at diagrams.

First, review basic sentence structure. You can find help here and here.

Once you’ve got the concept of subjects, verbs/predicates and objects, you can start messing around with Yodish. When we talk, we usually use a format of subject verb object: I (subject) check (verb) the magic eight ball (object). Yodish, on the other hand, uses object subject verb: Magic eight ball (object) I (subject) check (verb).

Standard: I check the magic eight ball.
Yodish: Magic eight ball I check.

Grammar Girl’s episode on Yodish explains Yodish translation and delves into character development and language.

Pick a paragraph- find one with simple sentences, and translate to Yodish. For extra authenticity, add “hmmmmm” and “hrmph” at the end of sentences. How does altering the sentence structure change your perception of the speaker? Does it?

For those grammarians unsatisfied with simple sentences, advanced Yodish is available too- and could make for an interesting journey through linguistic analysis.

As a treat, you can visit the Yodish translator
to check your sentences against their Yoda Speech generator, complete with herh herh herhs, hmmmmms and yesssssssses.

Enjoy, and come back to share your funniest Yodish sentences.

When you’re all done, you can watch Yoda on Youtube. Be aware though, that his Yodish isn’t always consistent.

I was hugely pregnant, moody, congested and sleep deprived- and we added Honey, stray cat from work, to our family.

One night, in between kicks from Carter, Honey was harassing me. Not content to snuggle next to me and purr, she insisted on meowing and batting me in the face, inviting play when I wanted sleep. I shoved her out the bedroom door and climbed back into bed. Within moments, she was caterwauling outside my door. With the patience of a pregnant woman, I grabbed one of the eleven pillows supporting me and hurled it at the door. My fertility god, a gift from my sister, fell to the ground and broke. Honey escaped in fear and was quiet the rest of the night.

The next day, Honey died in routine surgery. The vet told me she had probably been hit by a car before joining our lives and the anesthesia loosened the muscles enough to allow the internal injuries to take her life. I knew better. I determined that if I had only opened the bedroom door, played with Honey one last time, that loving interaction could have sustained her. If nothing else, shouldn’t I have made her last night one of love and comfort?

The pieces of the fertility god are in my dresser drawer. I haven’t repaired it, I haven’t thrown it away.

Honey was just the introductory course in mommy guilt, because it’s inevitable- we screw up. I’m not talking about accidentally introducing cream of wheat before avocados, or forgetting to set the alarm clock for the six month well check, I mean really transgress. We say horrible things, grab too hard, react too strongly, and hurt the ones we love most. There are moments we can’t take back, no matter how fervently we wish to erase them.

On several occasions recently, I’ve heard friends, parents I admire, play a variation of I’m-the-worst-parent. Sometimes it’s over something truly upsetting, other times it’s barely cringe-worthy. It’s tricky territory. Clearly we don’t want to condone abuse, but wallowing in guilt isn’t productive either.

How do we move on, learn from our mistakes and earn forgiveness? I’d like to forget Honey’s last night because I don’t want to be that person- I don’t want any part of a snit fit-throwing, gift-breaking brat. If I accept it, I have to acknowledge that I have everything to do with her, an unpleasant truth, but if I don’t accept it, I can’t integrate it, learn from it and move on.

In his book, Yearnings: Embracing the Sacred Messiness of Life, Irwin Kula retells the story of Moses bringing the commandments down from Mt. Sinai, explaining that the first set of commandments were broken when Moses had a meltdown over his people’s debauchery. Moses smashed God’s word. That’s a pretty big temper tantrum for a leader of men. Moses had to start again.

After presenting the new tablets, Moses put the smashed tablets in the Holy Ark along with the intact ones. He didn’t get to wipe out his transgression- rather it became a part of the new work. They are carried together.

I will always feel sad that I wasn’t kinder to our dying kitty. I think of her when I see the broken fertility god and am reminded that kindness trumps sleep, sometimes you can’t take back a tantrum, and the bad nights are a part of life. I also remember that I offered Honey a home when she was stray, kept her warm in the winter, and spent a lot of time playing with and petting her and listening to her purr.

A year or so ago, the vet told me that later that same week she had come across a similar case to Honey’s, and because she recognized it, having just seen it, she was able to save that cat. She was certain that learning from Honey allowed her to save the other cat.

The story I carry includes death and birth, lives lost and lives saved, tears and laughter. It is incomplete if it has only the good mommy days. I carry it all, broken pieces and whole, together.

Kula closes his chapter on Forgiveness with a quote.

Nothing is as whole as a broken heart.
-Menachem Mendel

In striving to connect with our families, we have to bring our whole selves into the picture- broken pieces and all.

Here are some resources I’ve found helpful in coping with my own bad days:

The Anger Habit in Parenting
A great book on recognizing causes of anger and helping parents break out of the rut of angry reactions.

Hip Mama
My favorite book of essays about motherhood- by far the most honest account of parenting I’ve read, complete with mommy meltdowns.

Calming strategies for parents
A room in our family Amazon Bookstore that contains links to books I’ve found soothing or helpful.

feeling guilty elmo is dead
Dooce’s posts under “feeling guilty” share not-so-stellar moments with humor.